Being Carefree has a Shelf Life.
So I figure that I have been away long enough.
There is no shame in journaling my thoughts and feelings when times are rough, as this blog usually stand to be my sounding board. No, I am not depressed all of the time, nor am I so confused or scared. It’s the things I don’t know how to deal with that I need to flesh out for clarification. Much like sounding out a word never read before.
Much has changed since last post, as I have moved out of my shite living situation, been branded a bastard by my previous roommate, and done what I told myself I’d never do again: Move in with a girlfriend.
While explanations for all of those really have no place in this post, they all may have had a butterflies wing flap of influence into my my current chaotic situation. Before you begin thinking things are completely horrible when I use the term “chaotic” let me remind you that it merely stands for a situations that is lacking visible order or organization. That is what I am trying to do here – gain organization and understanding of it all.
So everything has been rolling along quite well as of recently with my lady, but we seem to have minor disagreements in several areas as of late. I don’t know if it’s just the fact that we are both so comfortable with each other, or the current state of affairs in America with Politics, Religion, and Right to Choose being major issues due to the election, not to mention, race and sexism issues intertwining with our current candidates.
I am 30 now, and can no longer seem to shrug off these important issues with my peers, as my opinion and swiftness in weighing in on these issues seems to be all anyone ever wants to do these days. What ever happened to making mixed tapes, or watching sunsets, or trying to see who could come up with the funnier “word-mashup?”
Needless to say, a debate broke out during a dinner date with my girlfriend between us as to how society should treat these two social nasties, sexism and racism, and I seemed to go for the unconventional idea that if it was ignored and treated as nothing, then those inciting it would no longer get their desired response and eventually would die off. This all coming from a religious upbringing of “turning the other cheek.” My argument was of course met with contention from my girlfriend who is currently trying to further ingrain herself in the role of a feminine activist, or feminist.
Don’t get the wrong idea about me, as I am completely for anyone wanting equal treatment, as I feel that as humans we are all the same and deserve to be treated as such, but I feel that isolation and stereotyping those who feel otherwise, only further perpetuates the problems. Call me “hokey” if you will, but I truly do find merit in the question “Why can’t we all get along?”
All in all, I have come pretty far in this journey called life, and still feel as those it’s kind of disorientating finding the right path, but I do know one thing, that I need to work on my listening skills, redefine my definition of masculinity, and above all recognize that it is wonderful we are able to debate in this fashion, that we’re good together because of our ability to do so, and willingness to recognize the underlying strength of our bond in spite of the contrasting views.
It’s been too long…
I miss being in love.
I miss all of the comfort that it comes with. I miss the small nuances and epic emotions that flood my being. I miss having the certainty that being in love with someone provides. I have grown to fear love and those fishing with it’s utterance. I am afraid that I don’t know what being in love is truly like. Maybe nobody ever really does; or maybe it’s just that love is so different from one person to the next.
I am always interested to spend lots of time with someone, possible overnight in a different location just to see how they react to the surrounding and what tiny habit and customs that they have acquired or been taught as they progress through life. I love the individuality of people. I long to be just like them one day.
I want to be an individual.
I caught myself thinking about what I look like to others at work today as I calmly fall into what can only be described as my “work self.” It’s not so much that I have multiple personalities, just different areas of expression of the same personality. I am heavily influenced by whom I’m around. I guess it makes me a “well-rounded” person, but I would still like to stand out as just Myself.
I find myself, often times, being quite taken by others that seem to question and approach life similarly to myself but have a much more outgoing approach to it.
In fact, I have what I can only describe as “very strong feelings” still for someone who, no matter how many times she stumbles or has life toss bad luck in here direction, continues to carry on ever forward, scared as she is, but inquisitive. She knows the future could be bad or it could be good, but it has to be one way or another, so there is no use in delaying it. She comes off as flakey, yes, but she has an “air” about here that makes me comfortable, but at the same time makes me want to prove my all to her. I want her to know I know how she feels and that she’s not alone as long as she has me and I have her.
It’s quite possible the closest thing to love I have felt in a really long time.
I just can’t tell her in fear of scaring her away. She feels imperfect. She looks down upon herself sometimes, and it rough, but she knows she’s not worthless, just human. She is quite independent and headstrong. She’s not the shyest person I’ve met either, but unless you try, you are only going to get so much from her.
I know from experience as we were seeing each other briefly two years ago. She was like a sunny day in my “gloomy season.” She came along after a long period of loneliness and self doubting from a prior failed relationship that almost got me married.
I don’t know if she saw me as a sympathy case or not, but I approached her very cautiously. After slowly letting down my walls we really seemed to be hitting it off and enjoying each other’s time. In fact we had lots of fun together. We had fun all of the time, in bed out running around town or just chillin’ at home.
I finally introduced her to one of my really good friends at a family picnic that he was hosting and she could’ve really clammed up, but she took it all in stride, had a blast and thoroughly impressed me.
We ended up sharing what can only be described as a “moment” on the car ride back to my place after the picnic. She didn’t have too much to drink and she seemed to just fall into to it naturally. It was as if at that moment on the ride home, contentment was tangible…
The feeling lingered for a while and we had a blast and then, your hero had the bright idea about doing what I thought came naturally and tried to discuss her and I, and our relationship to one another.
In retrospect, I am sad to have had to call “progress” a mistake.
So, it’s been two years and we still talk and she has opened up more and is apologetic about the whole awkwardness of her sudden lack of interest and wants to spend time with me. It was apparently a really “bad” time in her life. I don’t press the issue because I know I probably wasn’t in the best of places emotionally as well, but we have moved on and still remain friends.
The more I talk to her, the more I realize how much I admire her and how I seem to be happy to make her smile and laugh. Those feelings seem to come racing back, no matter how I try to keep them at bay. I’ve lost her once to my heart, I don’t know if I can keep doing it and still be able to live with myself. Somehow I just need to train my heart to realize “good things come to those who wait.”
Either that, or figure out what I’m waiting for…
