Solitary Confinement

July 21, 2006 at 4:34 am (Lonliness, Socializing, theories)

My week alone is almost at a close, and I must say that I feel a little split between it being a waste and it feeling like what my soul needed; moments to sit back and take a mental inventory. Time to reflect on my life and bounce ideas off of myself.

What I’m doing.

Where I’m going.

It’s not that these thoughts aren’t constantly brewing in my head as much as it’s the fact that I put them out there to be dissected and examined before I truly get a chance to analyze and polish them; to have them become complete thought that fully voice my opinion and feelings.

Most times, I just say what’s on my mind to my friends, spur of the moment, because my A.D.D. runs away with my thought stream. I get frustrated when someone else brings up a valid point that makes my thoughts seem infantile at best because the rest of the idea was right in front of me the whole time.

With this happening with such frequency, due to the fact that I am rarely ever alone, and my opinion is seemingly always asked for, it’s not hard to see why I have a view that everyone around me is much smarter and wiser than I.

Is this the case? Is this what wisdom is; the ability to formulate complete, rational thoughts quickly?

I do have friends, that I consider much smarter than I, that admit with great frequency that I am smart. I am told to take it as fact and not just a compliment. My self-esteem seems to be keeping me from doing their bidding, but I wake up every morning with a plan to try to change and to become that person that everyone believes me to be.

It’s quite unnerving to look back at the end of the day and see my successes and my failure and see a rift in my personality. On one hand I can come off completely in control of a situation and the life of the party to people I interact with on a daily basis, but take that same person and place him in a social situation where I actually want to fit in, where I want to belong, and I clam up.

After a few expensive drinks, I tend to unwind a bit, but that’s always after I have already given off the impression of being distant, uninterested, or shy to those who don’t know me. The only times that I can recall where this isn’t as much the case is where there is someone there that is newer to this scenario than I in the crowd I run with on such an occasion.

I do my best to make people feel comfortable, but when people are already are comfortable, then I just feel unnecessary and expected to perform or something. To instantly become a focal point of attention because the few people that are in the groups I run with know me as such most of the time when we are in more familiar environments.

I wish one day to become the type of person that can express how I feel and be seen as a valued contributing member of society, but for now, it’s just me and this lonely cell.

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Here’s to Not Missing!

July 18, 2006 at 5:13 am (Relationships, love, theories)

I am watching the movie “Alfie” with Jude law, again tonight, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what makes him such a Bad Chap.

I mean, other than the fact that he just doesn’t want to commit until he’s found the Right One, but then again who likes to make mistakes?

I tend to think that his character attracts these girls that just seem to cling to him. In the beginning they are all flirtatious, but then when commitment is brought up, you know that the flirtation is going to end.

Flirting is all about the possibility of not getting what you want. The “Thrill of the Chase,” so to speak. Men love this, and for a short while, so do women.

Women, unfortunately, have the advantage. If us men say “no” there is always some bloke just around the corner ready to say “yes” to them…

It’s not so much that I abhor commitment as it is that I just don’t like the dramatic change that happens to women when women want to “settle down” and the thoughts of marriage go traipsing through their pretty little skulls.

Not that I’m sexist either, because I know that there is a stereotype of how guys act too once they are confronted with Commitment.

Me, I’m rather impartial to commitment nowadays. I like the feeling of familiarity of having someone around for the long haul; I just want to know what I’m getting in The Beginning. My best mate is up to his eyeballs in a clingy, co-dependent relationship right now, and it’s exactly what he wants.

It’s good for him and I’m happy. I just worry that I haven’t rubbed off too much on him or his last relationship didn’t hurt him too much.

You see, he is obviously close to “love” in this relationship, but can’t seem to say it, or at least doesn’t around me.

I’m going with the first idea.

In his last relationship he kinda tossed the “L” word out there a little too soon, and while it bore the slight “twinge” of a faux pas in the beginning, it started to look like things worked out for the better because it relaxed things in the relationship because it opened up a whole “circle of trust.”

Don’t get me wrong, trust is necessary in any good relationship, but this had a different effect

He got to see that love was all this girl ever wanted or needed. She hadn’t truly let herself go or figure out who she really was until she had the security net of someone who loved her to help her along. He’s not taking any credit her self-discovery as no one should but the person themselves, but I would have to say that you need to watch out for two types of people in this world:

-Those that have never loved and,

-Those that have loved too often.

I guess it’s the same could be said about sex, and in this I can see how some women and men could easily get the two confused.

My ideal person would be a lot like me, a little cautious because of losing love in a prior relationship where the thought of doing so seemed preposterous; while on the other hand a hopeless romantic that still believes that you give affection the way you wish to have it returned to you. Someone who likes to know that someone wants to work towards something with them and only them but also someone who prides themselves on their own self-achievements.

Things like a good fashion sense and great taste in music means that conversation rarely goes flat, but the common denominator in most of my relationships seems to be being able to understand my sense of humor.

It’s really so weird that we base our ideals on all of these external factors when in all actuality, we will be dating another personality. This personality will have a name, a family, possible pet, quirky food allergies, weird sleeping habits, you name it.

No matter how similar your significant other can appear to be to you in interests, hobbies, careers, etc., it’s the differences that make you fond of them.

Personally, I enjoy dating a girl that does something that I have NO idea of what it’s all about. I love learning new things. You just can’t let the allure of an interesting personality trait or hobby consume you.

Many will brand this interest as “love at first sight” or the “moment they fell in love.”

Now I know I’m not old enough to be giving relationship advice because Lord knows I haven’t been in enough of them, but I have studied quit closely all manner of them and I know full well when patterns emerge and mistakes are made.

What am I doing with all of this profound wisdom? Storing it up, analyzing it, cross-checking and formulating new theories and such so that when I come back around from tossing my hat back in the ring, I can look back and either pat myself on the back or kick myself in the arse.

Either way, I should probably invest in a mirror, because missing would make me look quite stupid.

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