Being Carefree has a Shelf Life.
So I figure that I have been away long enough.
There is no shame in journaling my thoughts and feelings when times are rough, as this blog usually stand to be my sounding board. No, I am not depressed all of the time, nor am I so confused or scared. It’s the things I don’t know how to deal with that I need to flesh out for clarification. Much like sounding out a word never read before.
Much has changed since last post, as I have moved out of my shite living situation, been branded a bastard by my previous roommate, and done what I told myself I’d never do again: Move in with a girlfriend.
While explanations for all of those really have no place in this post, they all may have had a butterflies wing flap of influence into my my current chaotic situation. Before you begin thinking things are completely horrible when I use the term “chaotic” let me remind you that it merely stands for a situations that is lacking visible order or organization. That is what I am trying to do here – gain organization and understanding of it all.
So everything has been rolling along quite well as of recently with my lady, but we seem to have minor disagreements in several areas as of late. I don’t know if it’s just the fact that we are both so comfortable with each other, or the current state of affairs in America with Politics, Religion, and Right to Choose being major issues due to the election, not to mention, race and sexism issues intertwining with our current candidates.
I am 30 now, and can no longer seem to shrug off these important issues with my peers, as my opinion and swiftness in weighing in on these issues seems to be all anyone ever wants to do these days. What ever happened to making mixed tapes, or watching sunsets, or trying to see who could come up with the funnier “word-mashup?”
Needless to say, a debate broke out during a dinner date with my girlfriend between us as to how society should treat these two social nasties, sexism and racism, and I seemed to go for the unconventional idea that if it was ignored and treated as nothing, then those inciting it would no longer get their desired response and eventually would die off. This all coming from a religious upbringing of “turning the other cheek.” My argument was of course met with contention from my girlfriend who is currently trying to further ingrain herself in the role of a feminine activist, or feminist.
Don’t get the wrong idea about me, as I am completely for anyone wanting equal treatment, as I feel that as humans we are all the same and deserve to be treated as such, but I feel that isolation and stereotyping those who feel otherwise, only further perpetuates the problems. Call me “hokey” if you will, but I truly do find merit in the question “Why can’t we all get along?”
All in all, I have come pretty far in this journey called life, and still feel as those it’s kind of disorientating finding the right path, but I do know one thing, that I need to work on my listening skills, redefine my definition of masculinity, and above all recognize that it is wonderful we are able to debate in this fashion, that we’re good together because of our ability to do so, and willingness to recognize the underlying strength of our bond in spite of the contrasting views.
Insulted Intelligence
Why does it seem to keep happening? 
Do I bruise too easily?
I recently had a discussion with a close friend in which I revealed a pet peeve of mine. One that has me in quite a quandary of it’s existence to begin with. I absolutely detest it when my intelligence is insulted; when I am treated as if I should have known something when I don’t. Is it that I am not as smart as I should be or is it just the fact that I come off in such a manner that people naturally assume one thing about me and are at ease with me to just bring it out in the open that one thing that I found to be particularly funny is actually just quite dumb.
Why do I find humor and solace in the details?
I am not ashamed of being different but why do I feel so upset when someone points out my differences to others?
I love to learn and am in no way suggesting I know everything.
I just don’t feel comfortable with someone thinking that they know me or that I can be pigeonholed into a stereotype.
I do, however, long to be understood. In this, “understanding” and “knowing” take on two completely different definitions. I am amazed that the English language has taken care of the fact that there are so many different words for varying degrees of action.
It’s funny, because I can look back know and hear the words of a close friend of mine resound in my mind. Words that, at that time, I didn’t quite understand what he meant, but know I know.
When I was younger, I was told by him, in response to a question posed by me as to why certain people don’t like me; that I come off as a “know-it-all.”
My immediate response was, “What do you mean? If I know how something should be done, then shouldn’t I let them know?”
It has taken me 7 years to figure it out, and actually it wasn’t something I really thought about up until late. My roommate’s girlfriend, the one I mentioned in a previous post, is an awful lot like I was at her age. She automatically knows the answer to everything.
She seems to suffer from a feeling of wanting to fit it in a more “grown-up” world. It’s not that she’s wrong, it’s just she doesn’t really sit back and listen to suggestions and seems to just regurgitate everything she has read about as opposed to going off of life’s lessons.
A recent example was in adjusting the audio levels on her car stereo. It’s not the most high end in-dash CD player on the market, but she went at the whole situation as though it was like a 300 line mixing board found in a multi-million dollar recording studio.
We were told that the “loudness” option was not preferably in any ideal listening situation in an automobile because it only boosted low levels at low volumes. She was allowed to dispense this information as an “authority” because it was something she read in a college she received an Associate’s Degree from for something completely unrelated to her current field of work.
When I chimed in with my input after she ranted and raved over all of the minute details of adjusting the Treble and the Bass of “if it sounds good with the Loudness turned on then I say leave it on.” It was then we both received the “Loudness argument” and my roommate kind of set her off when he agreed with me.
It’s not like I had any idea of what I was talking about, having only 8 years of audio installation experience or anything. It’s not like I don’t have a great sounding setup in my bedroom, living room, and car. It’s not like I can’t spot distortion at an almost microscopic level in just about anything I hear.
It’s not like music is a huge part of my life.
The major change in my life has come from just sitting back and not saying anything. I let others get their opinions out all the while some small part of me believes they are just digging their own graves.
And yet, I never get to tell them, “HA! You were WRONG! I told you so!!!”
Well, a little bit of her seems to be rubbing off on my roommate (let me tell you how weird it feels to realize that I am referring to him more and more as of late as that and not as my Best Friend…) as he has seemed to instantly jump over my input and completely tear it down.
I don’t like to be made to feel like I am under attack, because my reaction to such actions generally isn’t the best, and the irreversible often happens.
There has been a tumultuous volcano eruption brewing just beneath my surface for a while now, and I am in fear of what is going to happen when it finally explodes.
Sometimes I pray for ignorance, or at least the ability to feign it…
It’s been too long…
I miss being in love.
I miss all of the comfort that it comes with. I miss the small nuances and epic emotions that flood my being. I miss having the certainty that being in love with someone provides. I have grown to fear love and those fishing with it’s utterance. I am afraid that I don’t know what being in love is truly like. Maybe nobody ever really does; or maybe it’s just that love is so different from one person to the next.
I am always interested to spend lots of time with someone, possible overnight in a different location just to see how they react to the surrounding and what tiny habit and customs that they have acquired or been taught as they progress through life. I love the individuality of people. I long to be just like them one day.
I want to be an individual.
I caught myself thinking about what I look like to others at work today as I calmly fall into what can only be described as my “work self.” It’s not so much that I have multiple personalities, just different areas of expression of the same personality. I am heavily influenced by whom I’m around. I guess it makes me a “well-rounded” person, but I would still like to stand out as just Myself.
I find myself, often times, being quite taken by others that seem to question and approach life similarly to myself but have a much more outgoing approach to it.
In fact, I have what I can only describe as “very strong feelings” still for someone who, no matter how many times she stumbles or has life toss bad luck in here direction, continues to carry on ever forward, scared as she is, but inquisitive. She knows the future could be bad or it could be good, but it has to be one way or another, so there is no use in delaying it. She comes off as flakey, yes, but she has an “air” about here that makes me comfortable, but at the same time makes me want to prove my all to her. I want her to know I know how she feels and that she’s not alone as long as she has me and I have her.
It’s quite possible the closest thing to love I have felt in a really long time.
I just can’t tell her in fear of scaring her away. She feels imperfect. She looks down upon herself sometimes, and it rough, but she knows she’s not worthless, just human. She is quite independent and headstrong. She’s not the shyest person I’ve met either, but unless you try, you are only going to get so much from her.
I know from experience as we were seeing each other briefly two years ago. She was like a sunny day in my “gloomy season.” She came along after a long period of loneliness and self doubting from a prior failed relationship that almost got me married.
I don’t know if she saw me as a sympathy case or not, but I approached her very cautiously. After slowly letting down my walls we really seemed to be hitting it off and enjoying each other’s time. In fact we had lots of fun together. We had fun all of the time, in bed out running around town or just chillin’ at home.
I finally introduced her to one of my really good friends at a family picnic that he was hosting and she could’ve really clammed up, but she took it all in stride, had a blast and thoroughly impressed me.
We ended up sharing what can only be described as a “moment” on the car ride back to my place after the picnic. She didn’t have too much to drink and she seemed to just fall into to it naturally. It was as if at that moment on the ride home, contentment was tangible…
The feeling lingered for a while and we had a blast and then, your hero had the bright idea about doing what I thought came naturally and tried to discuss her and I, and our relationship to one another.
In retrospect, I am sad to have had to call “progress” a mistake.
So, it’s been two years and we still talk and she has opened up more and is apologetic about the whole awkwardness of her sudden lack of interest and wants to spend time with me. It was apparently a really “bad” time in her life. I don’t press the issue because I know I probably wasn’t in the best of places emotionally as well, but we have moved on and still remain friends.
The more I talk to her, the more I realize how much I admire her and how I seem to be happy to make her smile and laugh. Those feelings seem to come racing back, no matter how I try to keep them at bay. I’ve lost her once to my heart, I don’t know if I can keep doing it and still be able to live with myself. Somehow I just need to train my heart to realize “good things come to those who wait.”
Either that, or figure out what I’m waiting for…
Here’s to Not Missing!
I am watching the movie “Alfie” with Jude law, again tonight, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what makes him such a Bad Chap.
I mean, other than the fact that he just doesn’t want to commit until he’s found the Right One, but then again who likes to make mistakes?
I tend to think that his character attracts these girls that just seem to cling to him. In the beginning they are all flirtatious, but then when commitment is brought up, you know that the flirtation is going to end.
Flirting is all about the possibility of not getting what you want. The “Thrill of the Chase,” so to speak. Men love this, and for a short while, so do women.
Women, unfortunately, have the advantage. If us men say “no” there is always some bloke just around the corner ready to say “yes” to them…
It’s not so much that I abhor commitment as it is that I just don’t like the dramatic change that happens to women when women want to “settle down” and the thoughts of marriage go traipsing through their pretty little skulls.
Not that I’m sexist either, because I know that there is a stereotype of how guys act too once they are confronted with Commitment.
Me, I’m rather impartial to commitment nowadays. I like the feeling of familiarity of having someone around for the long haul; I just want to know what I’m getting in The Beginning. My best mate is up to his eyeballs in a clingy, co-dependent relationship right now, and it’s exactly what he wants.
It’s good for him and I’m happy. I just worry that I haven’t rubbed off too much on him or his last relationship didn’t hurt him too much.
You see, he is obviously close to “love” in this relationship, but can’t seem to say it, or at least doesn’t around me.
I’m going with the first idea.
In his last relationship he kinda tossed the “L” word out there a little too soon, and while it bore the slight “twinge” of a faux pas in the beginning, it started to look like things worked out for the better because it relaxed things in the relationship because it opened up a whole “circle of trust.”
Don’t get me wrong, trust is necessary in any good relationship, but this had a different effect
He got to see that love was all this girl ever wanted or needed. She hadn’t truly let herself go or figure out who she really was until she had the security net of someone who loved her to help her along. He’s not taking any credit her self-discovery as no one should but the person themselves, but I would have to say that you need to watch out for two types of people in this world:
-Those that have never loved and,
-Those that have loved too often.
I guess it’s the same could be said about sex, and in this I can see how some women and men could easily get the two confused.
My ideal person would be a lot like me, a little cautious because of losing love in a prior relationship where the thought of doing so seemed preposterous; while on the other hand a hopeless romantic that still believes that you give affection the way you wish to have it returned to you. Someone who likes to know that someone wants to work towards something with them and only them but also someone who prides themselves on their own self-achievements.
Things like a good fashion sense and great taste in music means that conversation rarely goes flat, but the common denominator in most of my relationships seems to be being able to understand my sense of humor.
It’s really so weird that we base our ideals on all of these external factors when in all actuality, we will be dating another personality. This personality will have a name, a family, possible pet, quirky food allergies, weird sleeping habits, you name it.
No matter how similar your significant other can appear to be to you in interests, hobbies, careers, etc., it’s the differences that make you fond of them.
Personally, I enjoy dating a girl that does something that I have NO idea of what it’s all about. I love learning new things. You just can’t let the allure of an interesting personality trait or hobby consume you.
Many will brand this interest as “love at first sight” or the “moment they fell in love.”
Now I know I’m not old enough to be giving relationship advice because Lord knows I haven’t been in enough of them, but I have studied quit closely all manner of them and I know full well when patterns emerge and mistakes are made.
What am I doing with all of this profound wisdom? Storing it up, analyzing it, cross-checking and formulating new theories and such so that when I come back around from tossing my hat back in the ring, I can look back and either pat myself on the back or kick myself in the arse.
Either way, I should probably invest in a mirror, because missing would make me look quite stupid.
