Too drunk to send, not drunk enough to dull…
I LOVE oyu i love oyu i love oy oi love you ilobve oyou i love yopu ii love you i love you il oevy ou i lo ve you ki love you il ov e you iiv lo e you
(She’ll never know…)
Stupid emoticons….
It’s been too long…
I miss being in love.
I miss all of the comfort that it comes with. I miss the small nuances and epic emotions that flood my being. I miss having the certainty that being in love with someone provides. I have grown to fear love and those fishing with it’s utterance. I am afraid that I don’t know what being in love is truly like. Maybe nobody ever really does; or maybe it’s just that love is so different from one person to the next.
I am always interested to spend lots of time with someone, possible overnight in a different location just to see how they react to the surrounding and what tiny habit and customs that they have acquired or been taught as they progress through life. I love the individuality of people. I long to be just like them one day.
I want to be an individual.
I caught myself thinking about what I look like to others at work today as I calmly fall into what can only be described as my “work self.” It’s not so much that I have multiple personalities, just different areas of expression of the same personality. I am heavily influenced by whom I’m around. I guess it makes me a “well-rounded” person, but I would still like to stand out as just Myself.
I find myself, often times, being quite taken by others that seem to question and approach life similarly to myself but have a much more outgoing approach to it.
In fact, I have what I can only describe as “very strong feelings” still for someone who, no matter how many times she stumbles or has life toss bad luck in here direction, continues to carry on ever forward, scared as she is, but inquisitive. She knows the future could be bad or it could be good, but it has to be one way or another, so there is no use in delaying it. She comes off as flakey, yes, but she has an “air” about here that makes me comfortable, but at the same time makes me want to prove my all to her. I want her to know I know how she feels and that she’s not alone as long as she has me and I have her.
It’s quite possible the closest thing to love I have felt in a really long time.
I just can’t tell her in fear of scaring her away. She feels imperfect. She looks down upon herself sometimes, and it rough, but she knows she’s not worthless, just human. She is quite independent and headstrong. She’s not the shyest person I’ve met either, but unless you try, you are only going to get so much from her.
I know from experience as we were seeing each other briefly two years ago. She was like a sunny day in my “gloomy season.” She came along after a long period of loneliness and self doubting from a prior failed relationship that almost got me married.
I don’t know if she saw me as a sympathy case or not, but I approached her very cautiously. After slowly letting down my walls we really seemed to be hitting it off and enjoying each other’s time. In fact we had lots of fun together. We had fun all of the time, in bed out running around town or just chillin’ at home.
I finally introduced her to one of my really good friends at a family picnic that he was hosting and she could’ve really clammed up, but she took it all in stride, had a blast and thoroughly impressed me.
We ended up sharing what can only be described as a “moment” on the car ride back to my place after the picnic. She didn’t have too much to drink and she seemed to just fall into to it naturally. It was as if at that moment on the ride home, contentment was tangible…
The feeling lingered for a while and we had a blast and then, your hero had the bright idea about doing what I thought came naturally and tried to discuss her and I, and our relationship to one another.
In retrospect, I am sad to have had to call “progress” a mistake.
So, it’s been two years and we still talk and she has opened up more and is apologetic about the whole awkwardness of her sudden lack of interest and wants to spend time with me. It was apparently a really “bad” time in her life. I don’t press the issue because I know I probably wasn’t in the best of places emotionally as well, but we have moved on and still remain friends.
The more I talk to her, the more I realize how much I admire her and how I seem to be happy to make her smile and laugh. Those feelings seem to come racing back, no matter how I try to keep them at bay. I’ve lost her once to my heart, I don’t know if I can keep doing it and still be able to live with myself. Somehow I just need to train my heart to realize “good things come to those who wait.”
Either that, or figure out what I’m waiting for…
Here’s to Not Missing!
I am watching the movie “Alfie” with Jude law, again tonight, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what makes him such a Bad Chap.
I mean, other than the fact that he just doesn’t want to commit until he’s found the Right One, but then again who likes to make mistakes?
I tend to think that his character attracts these girls that just seem to cling to him. In the beginning they are all flirtatious, but then when commitment is brought up, you know that the flirtation is going to end.
Flirting is all about the possibility of not getting what you want. The “Thrill of the Chase,” so to speak. Men love this, and for a short while, so do women.
Women, unfortunately, have the advantage. If us men say “no” there is always some bloke just around the corner ready to say “yes” to them…
It’s not so much that I abhor commitment as it is that I just don’t like the dramatic change that happens to women when women want to “settle down” and the thoughts of marriage go traipsing through their pretty little skulls.
Not that I’m sexist either, because I know that there is a stereotype of how guys act too once they are confronted with Commitment.
Me, I’m rather impartial to commitment nowadays. I like the feeling of familiarity of having someone around for the long haul; I just want to know what I’m getting in The Beginning. My best mate is up to his eyeballs in a clingy, co-dependent relationship right now, and it’s exactly what he wants.
It’s good for him and I’m happy. I just worry that I haven’t rubbed off too much on him or his last relationship didn’t hurt him too much.
You see, he is obviously close to “love” in this relationship, but can’t seem to say it, or at least doesn’t around me.
I’m going with the first idea.
In his last relationship he kinda tossed the “L” word out there a little too soon, and while it bore the slight “twinge” of a faux pas in the beginning, it started to look like things worked out for the better because it relaxed things in the relationship because it opened up a whole “circle of trust.”
Don’t get me wrong, trust is necessary in any good relationship, but this had a different effect
He got to see that love was all this girl ever wanted or needed. She hadn’t truly let herself go or figure out who she really was until she had the security net of someone who loved her to help her along. He’s not taking any credit her self-discovery as no one should but the person themselves, but I would have to say that you need to watch out for two types of people in this world:
-Those that have never loved and,
-Those that have loved too often.
I guess it’s the same could be said about sex, and in this I can see how some women and men could easily get the two confused.
My ideal person would be a lot like me, a little cautious because of losing love in a prior relationship where the thought of doing so seemed preposterous; while on the other hand a hopeless romantic that still believes that you give affection the way you wish to have it returned to you. Someone who likes to know that someone wants to work towards something with them and only them but also someone who prides themselves on their own self-achievements.
Things like a good fashion sense and great taste in music means that conversation rarely goes flat, but the common denominator in most of my relationships seems to be being able to understand my sense of humor.
It’s really so weird that we base our ideals on all of these external factors when in all actuality, we will be dating another personality. This personality will have a name, a family, possible pet, quirky food allergies, weird sleeping habits, you name it.
No matter how similar your significant other can appear to be to you in interests, hobbies, careers, etc., it’s the differences that make you fond of them.
Personally, I enjoy dating a girl that does something that I have NO idea of what it’s all about. I love learning new things. You just can’t let the allure of an interesting personality trait or hobby consume you.
Many will brand this interest as “love at first sight” or the “moment they fell in love.”
Now I know I’m not old enough to be giving relationship advice because Lord knows I haven’t been in enough of them, but I have studied quit closely all manner of them and I know full well when patterns emerge and mistakes are made.
What am I doing with all of this profound wisdom? Storing it up, analyzing it, cross-checking and formulating new theories and such so that when I come back around from tossing my hat back in the ring, I can look back and either pat myself on the back or kick myself in the arse.
Either way, I should probably invest in a mirror, because missing would make me look quite stupid.
