Where did this tunnel come from?
So, I am trying to figure out where exactly the debt I seem to have accrued quite rapidly came from, seeing as how I promised myself that I was never going to go back into debt again once I had paid off the last round of debt that I had.
Granted, this debt that I have now and far less substantial than the last, but still; Debt is Debt.
I am making fairly good money now, so this debt should be decreasing at a steady pace, but somehow, I seem to just keeping it at even keel, as I seem to be spending as much as I am making now.
I live my live comfortably, by my standards, and can honestly say that I generally want for nothing, save for the occasional “Must Have” Techno-Bauble that promises to keep me on the Bleeding Edge of Gadgetry Envy amongst my peers. (I’m looking at you, iPhone!)
I have goals and aspirations of getting back out of debt, and being one of those fabled adults who actually has money in their savings account. Lord knows, rainy day money always puts me at ease…
I just don’t see the light at the end of this Tunnel of Debt. I mean I have a cruise that i need to pay for, as well as a passport and spending money. Not to mention house things and pet care things that are going to pop up in the near future. Thank god for tax returns and Economic Stimulus Incentives.
Now, if can just stay focused, and not look at new in-dash GPS units…
Being Carefree has a Shelf Life.
So I figure that I have been away long enough.
There is no shame in journaling my thoughts and feelings when times are rough, as this blog usually stand to be my sounding board. No, I am not depressed all of the time, nor am I so confused or scared. It’s the things I don’t know how to deal with that I need to flesh out for clarification. Much like sounding out a word never read before.
Much has changed since last post, as I have moved out of my shite living situation, been branded a bastard by my previous roommate, and done what I told myself I’d never do again: Move in with a girlfriend.
While explanations for all of those really have no place in this post, they all may have had a butterflies wing flap of influence into my my current chaotic situation. Before you begin thinking things are completely horrible when I use the term “chaotic” let me remind you that it merely stands for a situations that is lacking visible order or organization. That is what I am trying to do here – gain organization and understanding of it all.
So everything has been rolling along quite well as of recently with my lady, but we seem to have minor disagreements in several areas as of late. I don’t know if it’s just the fact that we are both so comfortable with each other, or the current state of affairs in America with Politics, Religion, and Right to Choose being major issues due to the election, not to mention, race and sexism issues intertwining with our current candidates.
I am 30 now, and can no longer seem to shrug off these important issues with my peers, as my opinion and swiftness in weighing in on these issues seems to be all anyone ever wants to do these days. What ever happened to making mixed tapes, or watching sunsets, or trying to see who could come up with the funnier “word-mashup?”
Needless to say, a debate broke out during a dinner date with my girlfriend between us as to how society should treat these two social nasties, sexism and racism, and I seemed to go for the unconventional idea that if it was ignored and treated as nothing, then those inciting it would no longer get their desired response and eventually would die off. This all coming from a religious upbringing of “turning the other cheek.” My argument was of course met with contention from my girlfriend who is currently trying to further ingrain herself in the role of a feminine activist, or feminist.
Don’t get the wrong idea about me, as I am completely for anyone wanting equal treatment, as I feel that as humans we are all the same and deserve to be treated as such, but I feel that isolation and stereotyping those who feel otherwise, only further perpetuates the problems. Call me “hokey” if you will, but I truly do find merit in the question “Why can’t we all get along?”
All in all, I have come pretty far in this journey called life, and still feel as those it’s kind of disorientating finding the right path, but I do know one thing, that I need to work on my listening skills, redefine my definition of masculinity, and above all recognize that it is wonderful we are able to debate in this fashion, that we’re good together because of our ability to do so, and willingness to recognize the underlying strength of our bond in spite of the contrasting views.
Insulted Intelligence
Why does it seem to keep happening? 
Do I bruise too easily?
I recently had a discussion with a close friend in which I revealed a pet peeve of mine. One that has me in quite a quandary of it’s existence to begin with. I absolutely detest it when my intelligence is insulted; when I am treated as if I should have known something when I don’t. Is it that I am not as smart as I should be or is it just the fact that I come off in such a manner that people naturally assume one thing about me and are at ease with me to just bring it out in the open that one thing that I found to be particularly funny is actually just quite dumb.
Why do I find humor and solace in the details?
I am not ashamed of being different but why do I feel so upset when someone points out my differences to others?
I love to learn and am in no way suggesting I know everything.
I just don’t feel comfortable with someone thinking that they know me or that I can be pigeonholed into a stereotype.
I do, however, long to be understood. In this, “understanding” and “knowing” take on two completely different definitions. I am amazed that the English language has taken care of the fact that there are so many different words for varying degrees of action.
It’s funny, because I can look back know and hear the words of a close friend of mine resound in my mind. Words that, at that time, I didn’t quite understand what he meant, but know I know.
When I was younger, I was told by him, in response to a question posed by me as to why certain people don’t like me; that I come off as a “know-it-all.”
My immediate response was, “What do you mean? If I know how something should be done, then shouldn’t I let them know?”
It has taken me 7 years to figure it out, and actually it wasn’t something I really thought about up until late. My roommate’s girlfriend, the one I mentioned in a previous post, is an awful lot like I was at her age. She automatically knows the answer to everything.
She seems to suffer from a feeling of wanting to fit it in a more “grown-up” world. It’s not that she’s wrong, it’s just she doesn’t really sit back and listen to suggestions and seems to just regurgitate everything she has read about as opposed to going off of life’s lessons.
A recent example was in adjusting the audio levels on her car stereo. It’s not the most high end in-dash CD player on the market, but she went at the whole situation as though it was like a 300 line mixing board found in a multi-million dollar recording studio.
We were told that the “loudness” option was not preferably in any ideal listening situation in an automobile because it only boosted low levels at low volumes. She was allowed to dispense this information as an “authority” because it was something she read in a college she received an Associate’s Degree from for something completely unrelated to her current field of work.
When I chimed in with my input after she ranted and raved over all of the minute details of adjusting the Treble and the Bass of “if it sounds good with the Loudness turned on then I say leave it on.” It was then we both received the “Loudness argument” and my roommate kind of set her off when he agreed with me.
It’s not like I had any idea of what I was talking about, having only 8 years of audio installation experience or anything. It’s not like I don’t have a great sounding setup in my bedroom, living room, and car. It’s not like I can’t spot distortion at an almost microscopic level in just about anything I hear.
It’s not like music is a huge part of my life.
The major change in my life has come from just sitting back and not saying anything. I let others get their opinions out all the while some small part of me believes they are just digging their own graves.
And yet, I never get to tell them, “HA! You were WRONG! I told you so!!!”
Well, a little bit of her seems to be rubbing off on my roommate (let me tell you how weird it feels to realize that I am referring to him more and more as of late as that and not as my Best Friend…) as he has seemed to instantly jump over my input and completely tear it down.
I don’t like to be made to feel like I am under attack, because my reaction to such actions generally isn’t the best, and the irreversible often happens.
There has been a tumultuous volcano eruption brewing just beneath my surface for a while now, and I am in fear of what is going to happen when it finally explodes.
Sometimes I pray for ignorance, or at least the ability to feign it…
