Holes to Heaven

My week alone is almost at a close, and I must say that I feel a little split between it being a waste and it feeling like what my soul needed; moments to sit back and take a mental inventory. Time to reflect on my life and bounce ideas off of myself.

What I’m doing.

Where I’m going.

It’s not that these thoughts aren’t constantly brewing in my head as much as it’s the fact that I put them out there to be dissected and examined before I truly get a chance to analyze and polish them; to have them become complete thought that fully voice my opinion and feelings.

Most times, I just say what’s on my mind to my friends, spur of the moment, because my A.D.D. runs away with my thought stream. I get frustrated when someone else brings up a valid point that makes my thoughts seem infantile at best because the rest of the idea was right in front of me the whole time.

With this happening with such frequency, due to the fact that I am rarely ever alone, and my opinion is seemingly always asked for, it’s not hard to see why I have a view that everyone around me is much smarter and wiser than I.

Is this the case? Is this what wisdom is; the ability to formulate complete, rational thoughts quickly?

I do have friends, that I consider much smarter than I, that admit with great frequency that I am smart. I am told to take it as fact and not just a compliment. My self-esteem seems to be keeping me from doing their bidding, but I wake up every morning with a plan to try to change and to become that person that everyone believes me to be.

It’s quite unnerving to look back at the end of the day and see my successes and my failure and see a rift in my personality. On one hand I can come off completely in control of a situation and the life of the party to people I interact with on a daily basis, but take that same person and place him in a social situation where I actually want to fit in, where I want to belong, and I clam up.

After a few expensive drinks, I tend to unwind a bit, but that’s always after I have already given off the impression of being distant, uninterested, or shy to those who don’t know me. The only times that I can recall where this isn’t as much the case is where there is someone there that is newer to this scenario than I in the crowd I run with on such an occasion.

I do my best to make people feel comfortable, but when people are already are comfortable, then I just feel unnecessary and expected to perform or something. To instantly become a focal point of attention because the few people that are in the groups I run with know me as such most of the time when we are in more familiar environments.

I wish one day to become the type of person that can express how I feel and be seen as a valued contributing member of society, but for now, it’s just me and this lonely cell.